Horoscope Today




Tarot and psychic readings . Horoscopes today is what you will find here!

No random luck forecast of your life 🙂

Capricorn

You’re normally an optimistic, happy go lucky person, Capricorn. Let’s hope you stay that way this week when you find that mole on your back. Not to get too specific, but let’s just say things aren’t looking good. Will you make it out alive? We can’t say for sure. Keep a smile on your face today though – everyone likes a pleasant looking coma patient.

Aquarius

The world is your oyster this week, Aquarius, and someone special will be entering your life who may be an object of love and romance. Just like an oyster, your hard shelled exterior will soon open up to accept love into your cold, dead heart for once in your life. You’re going to screw this one up, too. Don’t reveal too much, stay guarded. This love interest will ultimately be disgusted by the real you.

Pices

Finances are very important when the moon is arching in the southern hemisphere. It’s important for you to focus on your budgets and expenses now. You’ll find it much easier to work your way through an impending bankruptcy and messy court trials if you have a clearer picture of your financial trajectory. Keep in mind, even though it’s important to prepare, It is 100% certain you’ll be homeless within about eight months.

Taurus

Love spur of the moment adventures? With the new moon impacting Saturn, Taurus, you have been selected to be abducted by aliens on the 417th anniversary of the Sun gods enlightenment (this coming Thursday). Make sure you wear fresh underwear and take something to relax you. This is going to be an extra creepy alien excavation you’re sure to never forget.

Gemini

Feeling like a health nut lately? Maybe you haven’t been paying to every last calorie, snack or meal, but that’s OK. This week, you’ll be forced to take notice of a swift and regimented wellness plan as the crushing news of Diabetes, Types I and II are diagnosed. You’ll ultimately turn your attention to eating only whole, natural foods – but by this point, who are you kidding – it’s way too late. You’ve got about 15-20 weeks left on this planet.

Cancer

Have you ever danced with the Devil on the pale moon light? This could be your week! Your inner most demons will be coming out to play, and it’s going to be a real horror show for you. All of your friends and family will turn on you, and you’ll soon realize that you are all alone. No one loves you. Nobody cares for you. But hey, maybe you can scrounge up enough change for a gordita at Taco Bell to cheer you up you worthless sack of skin.

Leo

You will finally take notice that you are the only zodiac sign that is named after someone’s elderly, Jewish grandfather who has a gambling addiction. The cool part about this, Leo, is that you’ll soon start to gamble yourself to try and make sense of all this nonsense. First, it’ll be scratch tickets. Then keno. Next thing you know you’re shirtless in Vegas wondering how you’re going to this month’s mortgage. Good luck, chump…or should I say, “Leo.”

Virgo

Your career path is going to take a wonderful turn this week, Virgo. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to feel loved all the time? To take part in only activities that give you pleasure? To be handed large stacks of cash every waking moment? Well that’s what’s in store for you! You’ll soon be fired from your job and decide to become that type of person that sells your own body to make ends meet.

Libra

Have you been nostalgic for a better time, Libra? If you’ve been thinking back to when you were a child and all of the wonderful memories you had as a child, there’s a cosmic reason for this. When you were first born, the Gods smiled upon you. Then they laughed. Then one of the gods decided you, specifically you, were the universe’s practical joke. Every since you were eight years old, everyone in Heaven has been watching your every move and laughing hysterically about what a royal failure you are.

Scorpio

Do you sometimes have a fiery temper? Better calm the hell down, weirdo. Everyone thinks you’re some crazy idiot who doesn’t know how to keep it together. Nobody wants to be friends with you at all. Matter of fact, all of the people who have ever meet you remember you as the single most bizarre person they’ve ever seen. “One time I met this jerk who was yelling about something stupid. Oh man, they were the worst. They couldn’t control themselves. It’s like they were a human ape or something. Gross.” That’s what people say about you.

Sagitarius

If life has seemed a little more challenging than normal lately, Sagitarius, it’s because you’re falling behind in life. You’re completely unable to handle anything the way you should. You’re an embarrassment. You look awful. You constantly appear out of breath and sweaty. You’ll need to start using Rogaine ASAP because you’re also going bald. Oh my god. You know what? Just forget it. You’re a disaster.

Capricorn: Jan 20  –  Feb 16

Aquarius: Feb 16 – March 11

Pisces: March 11 – April 18

Aries: April 18 – May 13

Taurus: May 13 – June 21

Gemini: June 21 – July 20

Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10

Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16

Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30

Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23

Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29

Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17

Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 20

So my tips to you when using psychic readings and horoscopes

Do not not take it too seriously!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *